What would FREUD have said? What would Freud tell me to do in my daughter’s best interest? In my grandson’s best interest? I couldn’t think fast enough.
The next day my daughter and grandson would be home early afternoon. I decided to mention to her that we needed to talk. That was as far into a plan of action that I’d gotten. Knowing her defensiveness, I anticipated not being believed. I anticipated his denial or excuses. It wasn’t going to be a calm conversation.
I positioned myself near the back door to mention our need to talk. But he made an end rush and met her at her car door. I don’t know what he said to her, but she was angry and defensive when she entered the house. I started to speak but she interrupted me with, “I know. {He} told me.” She marched up the stairs to their bedroom. I didn’t try to intervene. I planned to speak to her at a calmer moment. However, there never was a calmer moment. No longer was she conversational, polite, curious. She spoke sharply with disrespect.
I was suddenly living in a house that didn’t want me. His single-point failure broke our family and the whole thing collapsed. I was self-conscious while having no idea how to proceed. I stayed in my room as usual, not intruding into their family life in the evenings. Consequently, there was no one to represent me or inform her. We were stilted, reserved.
When school began in January, I drove my grandson to preschool as usual and picked him up at 5, cared for him till She came home at 6:30. She would run on the treadmill for ½ hour while I watched Grandson. That’s when I went to my room until the next day. Awkward.
I received no advice for my predicament. I couldn’t confide in friends or family. I spoke with a therapist who was of no help. After many months of worrying about the correct thing to do, I considered talking with someone who already knew my son-in-law. His previous mother-in-law would surely have some inkling of son-in-law’s problem. Surely, his first wife shared concerns with her mother, even if they didn’t know the extent of this Freudian nightmare. She might steer me in the right direction to help heal my family.
I boldly asked her to talk about him and ask her advice. She listened intently then stopped me after I described the make-out scene. I had sorely misjudged her understanding of son-in-law with his mother.
She told me she didn’t believe any of what I had said. She defended him. She walked me to the door.
She told him.
The rest of my life was Hell. He began to berate and degrade me to my daughter. As his wife, she threw me under the bus and supported him. Suddenly, I was iced out of our little family. Lies about me were treated as truths. He told friends and neighbors that I was a mother-in-law problem, a stereotype. I was miserable.
Because I had loaned my daughter most of my savings to buy the house, I didn’t have enough accessible money left over to move out. (I had sold my house so that my daughter could buy this house for us.)
I was stuck. And I worried about my grandson who was 5 years old. I cared for him every day of his life. (I had been with my daughter in Lamaze classes because her hubby wouldn’t. I was with her through labor and delivery. I woke at 4 am to care for him so my daughter could sleep then go to work.) How could I lose my family and survive. You bet! I was worried.
[Crying]